Setting:

It’s spring break, the kids are home, and this year there are no travel plans or big events on the horizon.  Just the whole family home for one happy, less-busy week.  Or so you thought…

“Justin, pick up your clothes and make your bed.”  

“I did, Mom”

“Really? So why am I staring at your underwear and yesterdays T-shirt on your desk chair and dresser”

“I picked them up off the floor”

“Off the floor is not picked up. They belong in the hamper which is literally two feet away! Also, the blankets being off the floor does not constitute a made bed and for goodness sake, why are your drawers always open?!”

“It’s spring break Mom, is my bed being made really that important? No one goes in my room, I do my own laundry, why are you even in there?”

[sigh]

[Mom retreats to her bedroom and takes a few deep breaths]

Why is everything a fight? Why does he prefer to irritate me over doing the simplest tasks? Why am I always reminding him of things that should be NATURAL and EASY when he is perfectly capable of doing them and he is so smart?

And….scene

I could have written a scene of at least thirty different types of examples including an all too personal one of a discussion with my own son about why he never wears any of his other hoodies and only just the one, which eventually got to the sad reality that he has lost the other three. There are a lot of different “frustrations” for parents when we are trying to do our own executive functioning (planning ahead, staying on time, controlling emotions, being aware of our thoughts, staying focused, accomplishing goals) and feel that there is a necessity for us to also do our children’s executive functioning as well.  It’s not just frustrating, it’s exhausting, it’s damaging and it’s hard. 

So, stop.

That’s right, stop.

Your child will not recognize that they need these skills so long as someone is accomplishing them for them. They are not suffering enough to see any need to do for themselves what you are accomplishing for them. The crash of the loss of your support will be so much further of a fall the older they are and the more that is required of them. Let them crash as early and as young as possible and you’ll be amazed at their resiliency to pick themselves up especially when the distance to fall is not so far.  

But what if they don’t?

What if we let them fail and they fail again and again and no matter how many times they have to buy their own new hoodies after a loss, receive poor grades after forgetting their homework, smell awful because they forget to shower on their own, or are late to something to the point of being kicked out of a club, their sport or their volunteer role they had and they STILL aren’t developing the skills?

Well, it might be wise to consider some coaching. Coaching for you as you parent and teach your kiddo how to build these very necessary skills and perhaps coaching for your kiddo who may need someone beyond Mom or Dad to show them the importance of these skills they are lacking and how to practice them and gain momentum.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, or if you are finding yourself at the end of your parenting rope some days with a kiddo who just seems lost, oblivious or like they are always chasing their own life bus instead of riding it, we can help.  At My EF Coach, we are here to support you as you parent your kid(s) and to support your teens in their practice and acquisition of important skills. Attend a workshop or schedule a coaching consult session today!